**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
