dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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