dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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