Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
