so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
