Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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