dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
