The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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