my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
