At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
