I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
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im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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