My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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