I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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