wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I am available for nakedness
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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