he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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