i think my tv is drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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