tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
