We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
