dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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