I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
