I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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