i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
