I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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