I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
