actually, I'm a sock model
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
