kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
