I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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