I just threw up on my dentist
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
