Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
