Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And then he peed in my hair
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