I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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