we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you win again, gameday.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
