i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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