He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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