I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
