have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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