I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
