I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
