I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
