I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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