Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
