guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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