I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
