how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
