im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I need water and some morals
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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