you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
