It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
