would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Two words: blizzard sex
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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