apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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