We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
