hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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