I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
