My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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