i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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