First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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