If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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