is your mom at the bar?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
